Do you want to be helped or hugged or heard?
This is a question the author posits in the book. Methinks its another way of saying, ‘read the room’ before you decide what conversation to have. Charles Duhigg, who is known to ask thought provoking questions in his books, underlines that at the core of every conversation, is figuring out ‘what is this really about!’
Can being a super communicator salvage even the most difficult situations? Are there rules to this? Citing the seminal Harvard research on ‘happiness’, Duhigg encourages us to recognise that since connectedness to each other, is the most important determinant of longevity ; and that higher the degree of social integration, lower the risk of illness and death , communication is not a ‘nice to have’ skill, but a ‘must have’ skill.
Here are our five Bookstrapping insights –
1. Miscommunication occurs when people are having different kinds of conversations. For example if one person is speaking emotionally and the other is talking practically, there is a good chance of miscommunication. On the contrary, good communication comes from symmetry. So pause a moment to understand what kind of conversation is happening.
2. In order to be have a meaningful conversation, two people have to match each other. So the question is, ‘do you want to be helped, hugged or heard?’ This is a simple question to set the tone for any conversation- in terms of whether the expectation is to be emotional, empathetic or logical.
3. Every conversation is a negotiation. The book makes an insightful reference to the Harvard Negotiation Project and its outcome, ‘Getting To Yes,’ a book which turned our understanding of negotiation upside down.
4. Meaningful dialogue is also assisted by getting creative; telling stories, jokes, listening more attentively etc; so that a path can emerge. An equally important question is ‘ how do we feel?’ Discussing feelings can help two people discover more about each other and spot ‘what makes them uneasy’ and how to assuage that.
5. At the world navigates conflict, the author presents a very useful study of communications. Anecdotally rich and insightful, this follows successful editions of his previous works, ‘Power of Habit’ and ‘Smarter, Faster, Better.’
The usual pang of Asian cultures and conversations not featuring in several important books released and celebrated all over the world, cropped up in my mind. Given that most biographies or historical books have a ‘set’ context in terms of place and time and cannot depart from it, one wishes for books on art, culture, self help, productivity- especially those that are anecdotal, to be more inclusive.
This observation does not diminish the value of ‘SUPERCOMMUNICATORS’ one bit! ‘SUPERCOMMUNICATORS ACROSS CULTURES’ might be a very useful sequel from this Pulitzer Prize winning author.
How do global bestsellers begin to represent the world we live in in more encompassing ways? Can all of self-help and productivity, as a genre that we review regularly here at BookStrapping, be more inclusive.
Reeta Ramamurthy Gupta is a columnist and bestselling biographer. She is credited with the internationally acclaimed Red Dot Experiment, a decadal six-nation study on how ‘culture impacts communication.’ A reading coach, you can find her on Instagram @OfficialReetaGupta.